


to breathe easier

by ultastro6



Series: heavy smoke, heavy feelings [1]
Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: Comfort, Crying, Dream Part 01, Fluff, Insecurity, M/M, Metaphors, era: baby, era: dream part 01, they're not dating but. hmmm??????
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-11-22 22:41:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11389923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ultastro6/pseuds/ultastro6
Summary: is it okay for a happy virus to be sad? is it okay for a leader to be weak?





	to breathe easier

It was one of those days. Myungjun hated to admit it, but these days were coming more and more often. Though normally he’d just sit and do nothing all day, he had asked Jinwoo to spend the day with him and to talk to him. Oblivious, Jinwoo agreed.  
The day would start without Dongmin insisting the others get up. He had too many solo events. Moonbin, Minhyuk, and Sanha were always practicing dances or hanging out together as the maknae line. They’d always ask if Myungjun or Jinwoo wanted to come, but they’d always decline. There’d be a few jokes tossed around.  


“Ah, MJ-hyung and Jinjin-hyung are becoming old men~ don’t want to go out anymore,” Sanha would tease, and Myungjun would play along. It was his job. To be happy, to make the other’s happy. What a horrible, horrible burden to have to carry. He carried it well.  


“Hey! Be respectful. Jinjin and I have to talk a lot about promotions… While you are goofing off, we’re working hard for the advancing of ASTRO, and for the love of AROHA!” Myungjun insisted, although he didn’t take Sanha’s teasing too seriously, and made sure to show that through his pursed lips and amused gaze. Jinwoo nodded to all the words Myungjun said, humming in agreement.  


Moonbin nodded softly, his voice quiet as he spoke. He was always the most direct, just going out there and saying what he felt rather than beating around the bush. “We just miss hanging out with all six of us. You know since Dongmin is gone… I don’t know… it seems like we’re not as close anymore. I miss all of us being together.”  


The slow rapper spoke, getting up to gently pat Moonbin on the back. “It’s hard without Eunwoo but he’s bringing the success of ASTRO and love of AROHA, and we must not fall behind. Let’s work hard. You love dancing, so go practice. You’ll be even better next comeback.”  


The leader’s words brought satisfied smiles and bright eyes among the maknae line, a collective and determined “yes!” coming from the three as they all said their goodbyes.  


Soon, the dorm was quiet, and Myungjun and Jinwoo sat on the couch.  


Silence dwelled in the dorm.  


The atmosphere kept Jinwoo from asking Myungjun what was wrong, instead just waiting.  
Myungjun took the time to think about all the things he pushed back. Like opening a floodgate, it rushed at him. Even if he had tried to push the thoughts back again, he would’ve failed. He surrendered himself to it all. He let the thoughts surround him. It was unbearable, suffocating, like smoke. To Myungjun, it felt like his lungs were shrinking, like the oxygen he breathed in wasn’t enough. The smoke-like silence… it filled his vision, stung his eyes. His vision blurred, and hot tears fell from his eyes, leaving tears that felt like they burned his cheeks like trails of fire. The smoke from these trails of fire made his eyes sting more. He cried more.  


His companion-in-suffering wasn’t much better. Seeing Myungjun let his tears come brought his own. He, too, lost control and let everything he let build up crash down on him. Soft whimper-like sounds came from the leader, his lips quivering as he tried to hold back his crying. He pulled his legs up to his chest, resting the heels of his feet against the couch and leaning his shoulder on Myungjun’s shoulder, who leaned his head back on Jinwoo’s.  


They sat like that, and cried for so long, until their tears ran out. Their sniffles carried on, mixed with the heavy breathing that comes after the sobbing. Eventually, with red and puffy eyes, they calmed down. It was Jinwoo who first overcame the sorrow-filled silence.  


He turned to Myungjun, gently taking his hands. The action of compassion was enough to bring Myungjun to tears again, though he quickly looked up to try and stop himself.  


“Hey,” Jinwoo opened, voice slightly shaky. “Let’s talk about it…” His words were awkward. He had never completely and honestly opened up to the other members. There were some things that couldn’t be said. He was slow, sure, but at this point he knew that Myungjun suffered from many of the same thoughts he did.  


Myungjun opened his mouth to speak, breathing shakily. “I’m just… tired. To be the happy virus… everyone has an expectation of me to be loud and energetic and full of laughter. But it’s impossible for anyone to always be like that.”  


“I understand… to be leader is full of burdens as well. Leader and happy virus… they put a lot of responsibility on us.” Jinwoo spoke softly, squeezing Myungjun’s hands gently.  


“And… Jinwoo, I know you see it too. When it comes to popularity polls and social media feedback… We get the least amount of votes and likes.” Myungjun trailed off, looking away.  


“I know. I call myself the visual… to tease, of course… but people really laugh. I know my looks aren’t that good, especially compared to Dongmin—” Jinwoo stopped, surprised at the pained look in Myungjun’s eyes.  


“When I compare myself to the other members… That really makes me upset. You’re all younger than me, yet have so much more to give to AROHA… Sanha is tall and cute… but maturing quickly. AROHA loves him. Minhyuk is a talented rapper, dancer, and vocal… and is very handsome as well. Moonbin has such a refreshing personality, and a good face… and talented at singing and dancing. Eunwoo is handsome and famous… a talented actor and a valuable singer of ASTRO…” Myungjun paused. “And Jinwoo… you’re such a good leader… and your rapping style is so unique, and the raps you write are so well put together. Your smile lights up the room…” Myungjun trailed off, looking away from Jinwoo. “Compared to you five… as stars, don’t you guys outshine me? Aren’t I… dull?”  


Jinwoo was following Myungjun’s vent well, even agreeing. When he compared himself to those younger than him, he struggled as well. However, he was surprised when Myungjun complimented him, embarrassed. This feeling quickly left as he heard Myungjun’s sad confession.  “Myungjun… you too, your vocals are no joke… you’re voice is so strong and has a beautiful range. Despite the heavy burden of being ASTRO’s happy virus, you manage to make everyone so much happier just by being present. You’re not dull… all of us shine in our own ways. Isn’t that what you’ve told me before..?”  


The older sighed. “I say things that I believe in, but when it comes to applying it to me… I can’t. No matter how I see it… compared to the rest of you, I feel dull. I’m not a good dancer, my English isn’t good, I’m not handsom—”  


Jinwoo interrupted him. “Don’t say that. You’re handsome. Just because you’re not this perfect idol, or a visual genius, doesn’t mean you’re not handsome. To me, you’re one of the most handsome guys I’ve met. Even if you don’t think you’re handsome,” he paused, muttering a quick “even though you are…” before continuing, “even you have to agree that you’re talented… you’re really an amazing singer.” He sighed. “Although you think of it as your one purpose, you don’t have to force being happy for us. We all understand… we would rather you be genuinely happy than forcing it to try to make us happy. Your own happiness is what is most important. You’re more than just a happy virus, Myungjun. You’re more than an idol, even. You’re a human. You were Myungjun before you were ever MJ, okay? Don’t forget that.”  


Jinwoo realized it late, but Myungjun was crying again. Tears fell, but Myungjun didn’t seem aware of this himself. He leaned forward to bury his face into Jinwoo’s shoulder, the other hesitantly running his fingers through Myungjun’s hair gently. Slowly, Myungjun moved closer, leaning into the other. Like second nature, Jinwoo’s other arm found it around his waist, holding the other closer.  


Jinwoo talked about his worries, about how he believed he wasn’t good enough of a leader. “I mean, is it my fault that… we didn’t get first place? Is it because I’m not promoting us well, or that I’m not too good in other languages or handsome? Or—”  


Myungjun had to cut him off. “Jinwoo, didn’t you just tell me that we’re more than the sum of our parts. Your job as a leader is not your sole identity—and besides that, you’re taking care of us well. Us not getting first place is not our fault, and not our AROHA’s fault. It’s no one’s  fault. We all did well, we just need to come back well next comeback too. We’re slowly improving at other languages… and I’ve heard your raps. In Lie, for example… Jinwoo, your rap flow is no joke. The lyrics you write and the way you rap them… you’re talented and… don’t get me started about your appearance. You have the cutest dimples, and your nickname is angellic smile.”  


A small laugh came from Jinwoo. “Eh~ So you think I’m cute too?" Myungjun shoved Jinwoo gently, the two laughing some more. They were much more lighthearted now.  


They talked some more, taking the time to comfort each other and discuss their worries and insecurities. Eventually they went to care for their puffy eyes, teasing each other about who cried more. They joked, washing the dried tears from their cheeks and Myungjun still sniffling slightly. With the sorrow-smoke cleared out and the weights on their shoulders lifted, they were back to their normal. When they met eyes, there was a sense of mutual understanding, of reassurance, and most importantly, of a warm feeling that the two of them shared that had only just started developing. Like a snowball rolling down a hill, soon this feeling would be bigger, and would be another obstacle for the two to cross over or crash into in the future.

**Author's Note:**

> recently I've been thinking about this a lot... the burden the hyungline must have when their maknae's are much more recognized by the public, when they are struggling to complete their "roles" in the group. I hope they don't feel this way, but if they do that it's not often, and that they do reach out. I especially feel that MJ and Jinjin would struggle with this, so I made this. it was originally gonna be a one off, and was called Dull, but now I made it a series... it gonna be two part OK.. anticipate!
> 
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> [twitter](https://twitter.com/ultastro6)


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